It is getting better ...

- and it is darkest just before light breaks

To paint is a passion, and you either like it, or you do not. For me, it is my personal therapeutic space, and I can clearly see a difference in my mood and my being, during the periods in which I for one reason or another do not paint. That is why I prioritize painting often, also the days where my internal criticisms is in a self sabotage mode and persistent attempts to keep me from painting.

Sometimes, when I sit down to paint, I wonder whether it is possible to get some see-worthiness out of the blobs, I put on the paper.

Gradually, I learned that there always are some ugly phases, I just have to embrace. If I give up before the painting had time to unfold, and because I think it can never be good, I miss the whole experience and process, which is coming from the darkness and into the light.

And fortunately for me, I am a very stubborn person (although I now prefer to call it sustained as it sounds like a more attractive feature) and I become almost challenged by the ugliness that drives me to continue and continue.

Right, when I am ready to cover the entire painting with black or tearing it to pieces, the breakthrough happens. It emerges into a picture that I like, and it is experienced as a lot of pieces falling into place inside me.

It does not have to be beautiful, easily or neatly nor be a picture as others like, only I wait for the signal that makes the painting has found its way out, and it feels just right.

When it sometimes is difficult for me to get to the painting table, because I often go through this or a similar transformation, it helps me to remember that there always are an ugly phase, and it definitely gets better shortly and if not for a while so for a little while longer ...

I made ??my background and I am trying to catch what pops on my paper

I am using paint to help the figure coming through on the surface and into the light

Uncovering the figure with paint and the ugly phase is present

Hmm - should I just paint the picture all black, or tearing it and stomp on it, or just kick it into the bin ...

... Yeah, she is coming forward and demanding her space, and I begin to sense the light ...

Here she is, and a little sad she looks. Well I managed to drag her into the light, my job is done and from this point forward I will recall the whole process - from ugliness to bliss.